A look back at ‘09

This year has been quite interesting, quite challenging and yet rewarding.

I have endured some heart-aches, battled moments of depression, and succeeded greatly at the things I set my mind on. Regardless of the challenges faced in ’09, to summarize the year, I grew tremendously and I thank God and the Universe for always being faithful.

But the thing that hurt the most in ’09 was not finding Love.

I started out the year believing I had found my husband, if you can look back at my earlier blog post, you would see all the mentions of “HIM”. Although I had my doubts about the relationship, I just kept pressing on, becoming like water and taking on various shapes to accommodate the wrongs in the relationship, which eventually could not continue.

There is a limit to how much a person can changefor another.

And then I tried to bring my past into my present…and was of course reminded that the past remains at the past, especially when the past does not want to acknowledge your “Present.”

And then I found myself in a compromising situation where I let my selfish desires overwhelm my judgment and in the end, came out the angry loser.

This year I was obsessing about love, looking for it, chasing it..and in the end I didn’t “catch it”, truthfully speaking I can’t really even tell you what exactly it was I was looking for because the so called “love” I was looking for was superficial.

I hate to say it, but I think I was looking for someone who loved me more than myself. Someone whose love could cloth my internal insecurities.

Being single is so…..lonely. But it shouldn’t be. It should be a time of strengthening, re-learning and rebuilding yourself from the damages of the past. (better said than Done)

I guess the truth is that I am one of those people that needs other people to validate them. (Sad but true :( )

And the heartbreaking part of it all is that I should not be searching at all.

Why is it that whenever we are abundantly blessed, we keep looking for “other things”, “things” we don’t need! It's like we are conditioned to be perpetually SEARCHING.

I have all the love I need in the world, the love of family and friends. Why did I ignore all of it in search of “butterflies in my stomach”. What was I looking for and why?

Anyways I don’t even have the energy to psycho-analyze myself.

But I failed miserably in the LOVE department this year and I think that is enough sign to let go and let God. So that will be my motto for next year.

But like the natural duality in life, you can’t have the bad without the good, and the good is finally having friends I can open up to, something I’ve not had in so long. Friends that only have your best interest at heart and friends that inspire you to become a better version of yourself, and that kind of love is priceless.

Another Good is my BLOG, my medium of expression. At first I thought it was vain creating the blog, but now this blog is my form of therapy, there is no greater feeling than reading the comments to find out that other people are going through what I am going through and sharing their POV on important matters. This whole forum has been very helpful.

An even better GOOD is my JOB! I can’t say this enough I love my JOB. I love what I do. It really is a miracle because I thought I would end up like most people, doing some crap for the money and wasting my years away while longing to live the life I really want to. I still don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this blessing; of having the opportunity to do what I love to do, sure it comes with its challenges but I won’t exchange it for anything in the world.

Anyways ’09’ has been a Blessing.

As I get ready to go to the Villa for Christmas and New Years, all I can say is that I am forever GRATEFUL, and HAPPY, that God has been with me every step of the way this year, even when I know that I was not deserving of his love. He sent me angels in the form of friends to always uplift me when I’m down.

so with that....

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HEALTHY PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!!

AWAKE and RENEW

Everyday I wake up in a good mood, I am excited to go to work, and by the time I get there, something happens to put me in a funny mood.
While working I get my high back, I gist with my friends, write my articles, go to lunch (my fav. Part of the day) and by the time I am ready to face part deux of my work, someone does something to irritate me.
By the end of the day I can’t wait to get home, I am overwhelmed, angry, tired, and irritated, at this point, I have probably dropped a million F bombs…
Can’t this day end already???
I get home, and then think about the fact that I am getting ready to do this ish all over again, start feeling anxious that my youth is passing me by, and then I pass out.


I wake up to a sunny day…well u know the rest.


Yesterday my car was hit (for the uhmtenth time) and I just drove to the side and brokedown.

I was crying like a baby, bitching about the stupid HOT Lagos sun, how I was tired of this job that requires so much of my life, and just remembered a time when my biggest stress was telling the starbucks lady that she gave me the wrong latte (grande-triple shot of soy white mocha, get it right! ;).

And while I was doing the poor Uchenna bit, I saw this older lady waiting for an okada. This lady just looked exhausted, she looked like she had a day from hell, and here she was in the HORRENDOUS sweltering lagos HEAT, getting burned left and right, and no okada in site.

Immediately I wiped my smudged eyeliner, (I didn’t have to wipe my tears because the A.C in the car dried it) and remembered how GRATEFUL I was to have a CAR, even if it’s stressful.


You see, life is all about changing perspectives. I think that’s what a lot of us don’t understand. Everyday you have to make a conscious effort to direct your views on things happening around you, and stick to it. You must find a way to be centered in the midst of the chaos around. Not doing so is like waking up and trying to re-live your yesterday, (it's impossible and just does not make sense)

As you AWAKE. you must RENEW ur thoughts.

If you think about it, each new day is a blessing, you never know what will happen, but you do have to decide on how you want to feel about it.

My all time favorite quote is by Victor Frankl (holocaust survivor) who said, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of Circumstances"

how POWERFUL is that, that you get to decide WHAT you make of every situation? and yet how hard!

I am WHATEVER you say I AM.

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post, what have I been up to?

so anyways last friday was my B-DAY, HAPPY B-DAY to MOI! will write more on dat. so anyways...

Yesterday I was talking to a man-friend, when he made a statement that was basically attacking my personality, the statement was about how sometimes my words don't match my actions.

I sat down and thought about it. I mean it really bothered me, how can I be a good friend if I am basically considered a hypocrite, and so I sat there thinking...

and then I thought about the situation that I was basically considered a hypocrite about, and to my realization if I acted otherwise it would be to my ManFriend's advantage.

So the conclusion of that argument was that, since I did not act according to the other person's wish and demands, then I am in the wrong. Therefore making me a hypocrite (if that makes sense)

It's funny, have you ever sat down and thought about all the nouns and adjectives that have been used to describe you at one point or another?

Regardless of what you do or not do, you are either pleasing or hurting someone.

So I have come to this conclusion, I won't fight whatever adjective is used to describe me, because to a certain extent it is true, it is based on the side of me the person is viewing and the position they're standing on to make that judgment.

For example, if one part of my body were messed up, and I was standing in the middle of a circle, and people around were told to describe me, then based on where they are standing, they will see what others can't see. Those standing on my bad side will say, "wow, this chick is messed up", the others will disagree and say the opposite. So that's how it is. But I, being in the middle, know the real situation.

Really,

rather than spend ur time obssessing about what HE SAID or SHE SAID, just accept it.

because based on where the person is standing, that is probably what they see.

But I know the Truth.

so I guess what I'm saying is.

I am everything you say I am :)

When it all falls DOWN.

It all has to fall down one day.

Everything.

And I think it's my turn.

Every week it seems like I have a new illness, if I am not nauseously throwing up my food, I am overeating. My skin is multicolored and I can’t remember the last time my face was clear.

One minute I’m inspired and the next I am clocking in and out like a factory worker.

I am in love, then am not.

And I bury the intense guilt of my irrational emotion under an endless list of “to-dos”, while counting down till I LEAVE, because I still solve my problems like a child…looking for the EJECT button.

For a while now I have been complaining about how NUMB I feel.

I guess my sensory nerves have been intensely burned by the pain. Physical pain is always better than emotional pain, because at least when its gone, you know its gone.
But with emotional pain, it’s like it never goes away, just when you think it’s gone, the tiniest thing like a scent just awakens everything and you are back where you started, and the longer you ignore it, the more intense it becomes.

I talked to God two days ago, it was a one sided convo, I spent what seemed like an hour telling him what I wanted and why I felt like I deserved what I wanted.

And while I spoke eloquently and intelligently, my heart was just frozen. I guess I felt like I could also control my relationship with God, by telling him what I wanted him to do, as opposed to allowing his plans to manifest. I was too busy speaking that I never gave God the chance to speak back, so I was not surprised the next morning when my dilemma was intensified, and multiplied by 5.

It was so hard to get out of bed, I just wanted to stay in and fall asleep as I played out all the “poor-me” scenarios, I remembered what a friend had told me.

I swear, she’s an angel, for someone who has not known me for that long, she really knows me.

Anyways but she told me that all my dilemma (ailing health, irrational behavior) are all conscious manifestations of subconscious feelings.

So today, this morning, I am letting it all out. I have to detox, not only my body but my mind, but before I get to that stage, I have to let it all out. Now I understand why people fast and meditate when they have a major problem.

Today he responded.

God.

He told me to just relax and sit down (like I feel like he always does) I guess that’s why I did not want to hear what he had to say.

No matter how much energy and force you exert on catching a falling leave, it does not change the velocity at which it falls. The best way to catch a falling leave is to just stand still, stretch out your hand and wait till it reaches you.

As it untangles, the fragile fabric that has been holding things in place for the past month or so, I can do nothing but let it all go, realizing that I am not a lone victim, but a victor undergoing one of life’s transformation.
Regardless of who you are, you are not immune to Challenges, even if you are an angel, you too will encounter moments when you feel helpless, frustrated, and small, and ignoring it won’t make it go away.

You can’t ask God for something BIG without first adding the weight necessary to FIT into those shoes.

Dear God, I know there will be mountains in my life, but I am now smart enough to know not to ask that they don’t exist, but ask that I have the energy to climb them when I encounter them.

The sweet taste of anticipation.

I sit here waiting for you to call. My phone is on outdoors just so I know I don’t miss ur call even if I am taking a shower. But you don’t

I checked my email 11x 2day. Hoping that you might break your rule and send me a “just to say hello” message. But you don’t

I check my facebook constantly, praying for an inbox but will settle for a poke. But you don’t.

I know you won’t. You never. I am never on your mind as much as you are on mine. Even though you tell me I am, you actions prove otherwise.

I am waiting. Anticipating. Charging my phone so that my battery life does not interfere with fate.

But none of this makes it hurt less.

My heart is heavy. My eyes are tired, from fighting these tears, because as soon as they wail up my fantasy will be shattered.

I will be awoken from this made for t.v romance I’m writing.

If you and I were in a movie, you would call, right about the time I jump into the shower. And I will drop everything to pick up of my phone, forgetting that the water is running and am laying Nude.

none of it matters really, because your voice obliterates the pain, the heaviness, and dries my wet eyes.

I sit here waiting for you to call. Hoping that this time you break your “I don’t” and call.

I sit here waiting for you to call, because I am hoping that this time, I can consume your thoughts just like you consume mine and you will be overwhelmed enough to call.

I sit here waiting because you said you would. And again I am hoping that you fall through.

I sit and I wait, dreading that if I do call, the sound of your voicemail will shatter what’s left of me.

And then

Just as I get into the shower,

you do.

My heart is light. Eyes are dry, and the butterflies in my stomach, make me feel light again.

my BIG movie role

You know if you think about it, Life is like a MOVIE. Scripts are written, actors audition, directors are choosen, settings arranged, lights, camera, ACTION!

Pause. What movie are you in right now?

What role are you playing?

half of who you are. Wait. Re-state: 3/4 of who you are (if you let it) are determined by the roles people project on you.

In the last year that I have been in Nigeria, I have acted as the following: Rebellious daughter, heartbroken ex-girlfriend, NewGirl at Work, Cool big sister, religious outcast, theIgboGirl, silent vixen, vengeful Ex, Workaholic, NewGirl in the city, blacksheep, Hopeless Romantic, theOtherwoman, Daddy's spoilt little girl, and the Crazy one.

some of these roles I auditioned for, the others I was just given the script and told to act (subconsiously of course).

The inspiration for this post came recently when I found myself acting a role that I did not particularly care for. and then I thought to myself "who is writing this script?" or better yet, "why am I acting this role", why am I not writing and acting out my own script???

They say you become who you say you are, but what happens when what others SAY about you becomes louder and stronger than what you SAY you are?

well what happens is you become a minor character in another person's movie, as opposed to becoming the LEAD in your own movie.

When I first moved to america, I found that acting like the immigrant girl who knew nothing, not only won sympathy but garnered me friends because everyone was glad to be my teacher!
and then in High-school, it was fun to play the ditzy girl who knew nothing, because with the laughter came the friends.

All this was fun up until one day when I made the terrible mistake of acting like myself. The loneliness of being me, made me realize that I had to either "quit the show" or "re-write" the script.

Come to think of it, most of my life I've been acting out other people's script, so much so that it is actually hard for me to switch off. If I don't make a conscious effort to address whatever emotion I am feeling, I find that I just (see below post) ACT.


Nothing in life is Random. People give you what they THINK you should take, it is now up to you to decide to TAKE (the role) or NOT (leave the script).

Inspiration

for the past couple of weeks, (or months, not sure) I've been feeling quite NUMB.



Wake up, bathe, get ready, go to work, come back, sleep. and do it all over again, with the exception of Sunday, when I mostly sleep.



NUMB



no feelings, no emotions, very little time to think.



life on auto-pilot.



just action.



I don't know when this started, I'm not one to let things just happen, being as analytical as I am. But this has been the case for a while.



up until I met a role model of mine. A woman I've been admiring for a while, probably 1/5 of the reason why I moved back to Nigeria.

She was/is a breath of fresh air, a cold drink in the desert.



Sometimes I sit at work and wonder what the hell I'm doing, and then assignments like this, just remind me that life and God/Universe's plan for me is much Bigger than what I have in mind.



I once heard this quote. 'If you are feeling sad, depressed, regardless of how you feel, you are only a THOUGHT away from true happiness. Change your thought'



and that is what meeting with this woman did for me.



While interviewing her, she said alot of memorably things, but the 4 that stuck with me were:



1. on CAREER/JOB

- As a young woman you have to know what it is you want. You have to know your passion. What keeps you up at night? what makes you wake up early in the morning? what do you always have the energy to do? THAT WHICH COMES TO YOU EFFORTLESSLY is your Passion. You should never be motivated by money, let your passion drive you.

2. On MARRIAGE
- Marriage is like a beautiful Rose with thorns. Even though the thorns are there, it still does not take away from the beauty of the Rose.
-Deciding on a spouse is something that needs to thoroughly thought of. You must be conscious when thinking of who you want your spouse to be. Remember that feelings like "oh I can't stop thinking of him, and he gives me butterflies" eventually goes when you have a new born, you're struggling to pay the bills, and you have not had a wink of sleep.

3. on LIFE
- Life is a journey, it is all about evolution. You become a different person with each new experience and encounter, and you must be open to the endless possbilities out there.

4. on FRIENDSHIP
-Surround yourself with people that share your same value. TEAR yourself away from those that don't, those that have no focus, aim, objective. Anyone that is not adding value to your life needs to be removed from your life.

She is Amazing.

After speaking with her, I think I am beginning to get some feelings back in my life :)